memories and dreams

2006-12-24T12:27:00.001+08:00

Four. Three. Eleven. Thrown into the hands of ten, perhaps? What does one think?

wonder if he'll get the code. =x oh well.

i'm tempted to do a set of KH2/o13 icons! sigh.

2006-11-26T18:16:00.000+08:00

sayuki took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Alert and keenly observant. Is seeking fresh avenu..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

okay.
i kinda randomly picked the colours, but it's scarily accurate. =x
oh dear.

2006-11-18T19:58:00.004+08:00

because i need something to do.

koped from vera. playing this with my anime music, tecno which i've been getting from vera, and musicals that i've been getting from andy. oh, and also the harry potter soundtrack tanthalas uploaded a long time ago.

If my life were a movie...

Opening Credits: Soul Calibur - Fearless Eyes
Waking Up: OKHC - Ootori Kyouya - Tsumetai Yoru (how nice it is to wake up to Kyouya-kun's voice~)
Falling in Love: DGray man - Snow Kiss (don't erase the memories..)
Fight scene: Les Miserables - I Still Believe (uh, how to fight to this kind of music? haha)
Breaking up: TMoSH - Bouken Deshou Deshou (wtf?!)
Getting back together: Bleach - Happy People (hahahahahahahah)
Secret Love: Bleach - Rolling Star (...)
Life's okay: Cascada - Bad Boy (okay, this is getting ridiculous)
Mental breakdown: OBC - If You Were Gay (LMAO)
Driving Flashback: Soul Calibur - History Beckons
Partying: Bleach - Baby It's You
Happy Dance: Final Fantasy - Melodies of Life(Piano)
Regretting: Erementar Gerad - Everlasting Song
Long night alone: Angela Aki - This Love
Final Battle: TMoSH - Lost My Music
Death scene: Les Miserables - On My Own
End credits: OKHC - Shissou

2006-11-18T04:11:00.000+08:00

3 days till the end of my god-forsaken jc life.
10 days till masa comes down to singapore(two weeks, two weeks!).
28 days till reki sweetie's birthday.
29 days till ZOMGZOMGWTFBBQSAUCE EOY.
43 days till the very-much-long-awaited-and-had-to-keep-postponing erementar gerad shoot.
44 days till the ZOMG-you-pulling-me-in-NOW-do-you-know-how-many-days-there-are-left?! kingdom hearts 2 shoot.
45 days till OH-THANK-GOD-IT'S-ALL-OVER-now-let's-see-what-happens-next 2007!

2006-11-11T09:54:00.000+08:00

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

2006-11-07T08:52:00.000+08:00

when it comes down to the crunch, they run away and hide.

none of them. NONE OF THEM. HAHA.

i'm so amused, really! despite my being online, not a single one of them has approached me. LOL. add to that the fact that my phone is on 24/7. i'm never really uncontactable!

now i know how people are really like. LOL.

2006-11-04T23:38:00.000+08:00

and so i blog here, because livejournal is down. sigh. somehow i feel that blogger isn't as sercure as livejournal - but then again, LJ has friends-lock. LOL.

he should be back by now.

anyway, so much for that. been stuck at home the whole day studying. i hate physics. i need to get started on math(paper's on tues). and been entertaining myself inbetween with video clips of Whose Line Is It Anyway? it's such a great show and i didn't realise there was such a large stash of clips on youtube. XD so been pretty much bored, studying, thinking and worrying the whole day.

i think too much, i know. thinking doesn't help solve things.. but i suppose i'm such a coward that i can't do anything about it..

y'know.. my heart's kinda dying a little each day. guess i ain't particularily strong as many people may think.

guess what? my hands are shaking, they feel weak and i don't know why.

surprise? for what reason? there's no reason for all this secrecy. honestly, i don't know why i care so much. i don't know why i want to care. freezing over.. yep..

okay lah. shall stop ranting here for now.

2006-11-03T20:11:00.000+08:00

because i got tagged by sh. -_-;

1. Your nickames are...
A: nat, nut, sayuki, sahime, sas, sasa, etcetc

2. Your favourite cartoon is...
A: good question. i have no idea.

3. You are...
A: not cute. -_-;

4. Your best friend is...
A: vera darling. i love you.

5. The person in your mind now is...
A: leo because i just read sh's answer to this. o_O

6. You are happy because...
A: who said i'm happy?

7. You want to...
A: not take my exams. sigh.

8. The person you heart most...
A: is a person you may never know.

9. Your hair colour is...
A: black. i wish it were something else.

10. 5 friends you have in mind...
-GR(not like GR sees this o_O)
-nat-jie~
-yoshi-kun
-maz sweetie
-no more. please.

THEY'RE TAGGED!!!!!!!!!!!! XDDD
A: uh, okay.

sigh. somehow i felt that i'm not important.. i mean, i'm sure people have their reasons for not telling me things, but this certain piece of information.. well.. i feel left out that no one told me, that the person directly involved didn't tell me. i don't know how many people know about it, and i'm not sure if it's supposed to be a secret or something, and honestly, right now, i don't want to care.. maybe because i'm in the middle of exam period and shouldn't be distracted, but now that i've found out from other people i'm just gonna think about it even more.. and think about why i wasn't told. not that i feel that people have to tell me everything, but i think i would appreciate knowing, even a little.

okay la. shall stop ranting. ranting gets me nowhere.

2006-10-31T21:00:00.000+08:00

i don't know why i keep getting the feeling that i'm being ignored. sigh.

Brand New Map

2006-10-28T21:14:00.000+08:00

Te ni shita chizu wa
Furuku natte iku bakari
Boku no ushiro ni
Michi wa dekiru no dakara
Say goodbye to younger days...
and I say hello the real world, the real life!
Sou ieru hi made
Boku wa kaera nai yo

Setsuna sa wo yasashi sa ni kaeru
Deai no kiseki dake wo mitsumetai

Kimi no tame ni dekiru koto
Wakari hajimete kita mitai da
Boku ga boku de iru koto ga
Futari musunderu kizuna

Uso no yowasa wa
Jikan ga oshiete kureta
Koi no chikara wa
Kimi ga oshiete kureta

Samishi sa ni make sou na yoru ni wa
Omoide kaki atsumeru boku dakedo

Kimi no tame ni dekiru koto
Kujikechai sou ni naru keredo
Kodoku kidoru wake ja nakute
Kaze ni fukaretai dake
Ima no boku ni dekiru koto
Sonna ni ooku wa nai keredo
Wakaregiwa ni utsumuiteta kimi wo
Warawasetai dake

Itami ga aru kara yorokobi ga aru
Namida no tsubu ga egao wo tsukuru
Dakara mou kore ijou
Nanimo kowagara nakute ii

Kimi no tame ni dekiru koto
Wakari hajimete kita mitai da
Yume wo yume de owarase nai chikara
Tashikametakute
Toki ga kako ni naru mae ni
Tadori tsukitai basho ga aru yo
Boku ga boku de iru koto ga
Futari musunderu kizuna

(chorus)
I’m gonna be on my way
Bye bye, my younger days
Now wipe your tears away

2006-10-26T11:34:00.000+08:00

i've never really found a place that i call home
i never stick around quite long enough to make it
i apologise but once again i'm not in love
but it's not as if i mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent
and i don't look to buy
then i desire nothing more than i get
'cause nothing i have is truely mine

always thought that i would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
i have no idea what's happened to the dream
but there's really nothing left here to stop me
it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent
and i don't look to buy
then i desire nothing more than i get
'cause nothing i have is truely mine

sometimes i wonder.

2006-10-25T18:02:00.000+08:00

y'know, it's strange. i never really thought about it before but it's kinda sinking in now.

when i first graduated from tkgs, i had a problem talking to guys.. it was quite bad, anyone who knew me in the first few months of JC would know. could barely open my mouth to talk to them. which was quite sad, really. i don't know when i started to cope, and i don't know how i started to cope, but looking at myself today, i find it strange. my two best friends in school are guys. many of my good cosplay friends are guys. i mean.. i don't know since when i was comfortable hanging around guys. i can open up to guys, talk to guys, laugh, joke, fool around with guys. and then guys start to treat me like a guy. sigh.

okay, just treat this like a little rant of mine, but i really love the way things are now, and i don't want things to ever change. i don't want us to change, i don't want this to change. i want things to stay the way they are now, no matter how impossible it is.. sigh.

i ask for too much, sometimes.

2006-10-17T20:08:00.000+08:00

it's been left there for such a fucking long time, and NOW you choose to look for it? and then when you can't find it, you blame me?! what the hell is that kind of logic!! i'm not the only one who's at home! how about nicolas? no, you fucking blame me and me only! what the hell is wrong with you?! you think i have so much free time to just go and hide your precious things meh?! i'm not so damn childish okay? so you don't yell at me just because your things go missing. I DIDN'T TAKE THEM. I TAKE FOR FUCK.

ya, just go away and die can.

2006-10-16T08:51:00.000+08:00

if a picture paints a thousand words
then why can't i paint you?
the words can never show
the you i've come to know.

if a face could launch a thousand ships
then where am i to go?
there's no one home but you
you're all that's left me too.

and when my love for life is running dry
you come and pour yourself on me

if a man could be two places at one time
i'd be with you
forever and a day
beside you all the way

if the world should stop revolving
spinning slowly down to die
i'd spend the end with you
and when the world was through

and one by one the stars will all go out
then you and i will simply fly away

sigh.. kinda miss him.

2006-10-14T13:20:00.000+08:00

i wish that you'd lie to me
using gentle words to shelter me
your words are like a dream
and dreams can always fool me
it's all right to me.

i'm acting so different now
just to watch as you walk away
and i was listening
that you fought your battles not for me
it's all right to me.

"i don't know if i will come back"
i could hear you speaking as you walk to the door
i have to be strong
to hide the pain
when i turn back the pages
crying might have been the answer
what if i shed my tears and beg you not to leave
and now i'm still afraid
to do what's in my heart

those thousand words
will never be spoken
so far away
i'm sending them to you where ever you are
suspended on shining wings
those thousand words
will never be spoken
they cradle you
but yet you still seem so far away
and lose you forever

that dream isn't over yet
i pretend and say, "i don't regret"
i still live in my day
you weren't with me all the way
it's all right to me

"i don't know if i will write to you"
i could see you speaking as you look away
i acted strong
to hide the love
when i turn back the pages
anger might have been the answer
but i wouldn't shake my head and say that i can't wait
and now i'm still afraid
to do what's in my heart

those thousand words
will never be spoken
so far away
i'm sending them to you where ever you are
suspended on shining wings
those thousand words
will never be spoken
they cradle you
but yet you still seem so far away
and lose you forever

those thousand words
will never be spoken
lalalala
i'm sending them to you where ever you are
suspended on shining wings
those thousand words
will never be spoken
lalalala
making all of that years feel like lonely days
lalalala~

2006-10-12T07:58:00.000+08:00

how wonderfully emo i have been for the past few days!

school sucks, life sucks, love life sucks. very few people have made me really laugh, not the fake laughs and smiles i put on when i go to school or go out. i feel like i'm starting to hide behind a mask again, like i did when i was, well, younger. i want to tell people, or some people, but there are always limits to how much i can say, how much others will let me say, and how much they will listed. there is, of course, always the question of how much they will understand.

i hurt with each word you say, i bleed with each moment i cannot see you.

haha i can't even remember the last time i felt this way. perhaps over mata? i don't know. i can't remember, i've got a bad memory. sigh.

so much for waiting for the right moment. so much for waiting for everything to be perfect. so much for taking things slowly..

it's only resulted in me missing chances. chances that i'll never have ever again.

it's always the same situation for me. i always wait too long then lose out to some other girl/person. you'd think from past experiences i would have learned.. apparently, i have learned nothing. i'm still stupidly waiting.

and how long more shall i wait before i decide to actually DO something about it?!

2006-10-10T06:22:00.000+08:00

dear nat,

you are a loser. haven't you ever realised that? you always decide you want something, then find out that you're too late, all the time.

too late, all the time!

and now that the things that you want cannot belong to you, what will you do? sit and wait? try and make it yours? cry and feel depressed? and why are you thinking about him as if he's some kind of object?

he makes his own choices too and you're silly for not opening your mouth earlier. take things slow, pfffft. what nonsense. are you going to wait, now? wait for what? what's the point of doing so? would it make you happier? would it make it hurt any less? no. so move on with life.

why are you so attached to each and every one of them? sometimes emotional attachment is a burdan. so why do you still continue the way you do?

you're a loser and you know it.

you just want to continue this way.

2006-10-09T08:51:00.000+08:00

daisuki desu yo.

2006-10-08T22:58:00.000+08:00

my father's not gonna be in singapore for my and my brother's birthdays.

right. thanks a lot.

anyway, i'm feeling pretty good.. X3 got some stuffs lined up for next year already, cosplay plans and such.. XD after the completion of my a levels.. *shrugs* oh well. looks to be a busy year though, my first photoshoot for next year will probably be around april/may, latest will be june.. then cosfest.. wonder if cosfest will really be two days long? hope so.. X3 then i can do two different costumes.. XD but this means gym gym gym for me.. need to lose the flab =x

been having bad stomachache for the past few days.. and diorreah.. dunno what's wrong with me.. sigh.. first headaches, then now stomacheache.. i think my body's going crazy liao.

sigh..

2006-10-07T11:12:00.000+08:00

no matter how hard i try, i always fail in the end.

today, i don't tell myself that anymore.. i seem to have made a breakthrough.. and i'm glad for it..

on the other hand.. i just don't understand why you have to keep doing this to me..

i HATE the way he always pops out of nowhere to say/do things that always makes me worry.
what the hell is wrong with him?!
can't i even have a peace of mind once in a while?!
god damn it!

"you're the last person i say goodbye to.."
what the hell is that supposed to mean?!
"i'm not gonna do anything stupid.."
yeah right.
"till next time, if there is a next time.."
WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!

you never told me anything, and you expected me not to worry.
even up till now you still do things that make me question and worry about you.
can't i have a little peace sometimes?! a little peace of mind?!
a time when i don't have to worry what's gonna happen to you?!
you and your stupid running away from home stunt..
look what happened!
have you NOT LEARNED!!!!

sigh..
[end tant]

made my own lunch, i think it kinda turned out okay. =) okonomiyaki!

meeting wuwu and maybe adrian later at 1.. =)

i love kuroichou.

2006-10-05T13:41:00.000+08:00

you think just an apology like that can solve all the problems? you think just the word "sorry" can mend friendships and start people over on a new slate? you think just a sms can make us forget about what you have done, all the trouble you have caused?

i'm not gonna accept such a simple "explaination" from you.

not now, not ever.

you brought the animosity of the team upon yourself, it's now your problem, so don't come crying to us, to me, ever again.

i really really hate cheap people like you, who can say one thing and do another. people like you aren't worth forgiving.

2006-10-02T08:10:00.000+08:00

thank you kuroichou for the lovely day.
i'll always remember =)

yes, tenjin, i'll fix that puzzle after my exams, promise! ^___^

the bond of friendship we all share is so special, so special, that nothing can touch us.. nothing shall come between us, because we share more than our time.. we share our thoughts, our feelings, our hopes and dreams. we share our very lives with each other.. outside of school, it's kuroichou that cheers me up, keeps me happy. =) the time i spend with kuroichou makes my life special, makes me feel like life is worth living..

thank you, each and every one of you.

to wuwu and hii-chan: i don't think i've ever had closer friends in the cosplay group. you guys are a really big part of my life and i feel like i want to remember every second i spend with you. =) haha thanks for listening to me when i rant sometimes, and i'll always be here for you to rant at too. ^___^ i really love the two of you lots. =) *huggles tightly*

to tenjin: wahlao never tell me you are tenjin.. pwn liao lah.. haha.. anyway, thanks for coming yesterday.. really appreciate it(now are you gonna remind aries that my birthday is coming?? XD)! and thanks, i love the puzzle! actually i've been eyeing it for a while.. haha. thanks. =)

to elie: long time no see and then you pop out of nowhere. haha! it was really really great to see you again, and you're just as abnormal as ever. i think our table was the craziest(oh wait, we WERE) at kfc.. and it's all your fault because adrian wanted to make you high. ok that sounds wrong too.. haha.. now everything sounds wrong lah can. thanks. XD

to charmaine: *hugs* even though you had to go early, i'm really glad that you came. =) thanks.

to edo: 8D that smiley is really all i have to say.. haha! thanks for originally organising the outing yesterday and although it didn't really turn out well, i'm glad we all still had a good time yesterday.. RED DOT ON YOUR SHIRT THAT BECAME BROWN! =x

to yoshi-kun: ara! *huggles* thank you for coming! try not to catch the y-virus but in the end you caught the "think-of-everything-in-the-wrong-way" virus right.. XD all elie's fault! haha.. thanks again for coming.

to marik: mama! you never tell hii-chan it's rude to point at people! XD oh well.. haha.. thanks for coming also! ^__^ of course, which kid's celebration will be complete without gin mama there.. haha.. next time drag papa come also la! long time never see aizen papa liao.. lol.. thanks for coming, really.. =)

to adrian: thanks for coming. it really meant a lot to me to see you, all of you, there yesterday. =) and haha oh my god i didn't know your brain was so wrongly linked until you sat down next to elie! O_O there goes my innocent impression of adrian.. LOL well.. thanks for coming. really appreciate it. and cheer up, smile more! god knows i'm in love with your smile.

thank you once again minna.. this is really one day i won't soon forget.. =)

I LOVE YOU ALL. VERY VERY MUCH. =)
THANK YOU, KUROICHOU!

2006-09-30T21:12:00.000+08:00

tomorrow, wuwu and i are celebrating our birthdays. =)

kinda glad we decided to keep this kuroichou'06 instead of extending it to kuroichou'07. i've never really been comfortable with the newer people(yes i'm not afraid to let them know either), and it's strange to have the new ones isolating themselves in a corner when we talk because they don't know us like we know us.

i can actually look forward to tomorrow.. finally. =) just when i thought things were bad, this happens and makes it all better. i'm happier now, really. despite all the nonsense that is going on, i'm actually happy now.

yes, i'm cheery and joyful and i'm actually singing again, despite my bad throat!

and i can sing the ending song of suzumiya haruhi! ^__^ which makes me happy because hii-chan said she'll dance the ending dance when she hears the song *sniggers* but i still can't remember the lyrics yet, though.

i love kuroichou'06. really, i do. i really don't want to know what my life would be like without you guys.. you guys practically mean the world to me. =)

2006-09-27T21:15:00.000+08:00

keeping my distance.. avoid, avoid, avoid.
stay away.. sigh.

are these measures really necessary for me to stop thinking about *that*?

i didn't get around to kiss you
goodbye on the hand
i wish that i could see you again
i know that i can't...

2006-09-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

two hours yesterday, two hours today..

i miss masa already.

haha.. see you in october, masa! ^__^

2006-09-19T16:27:00.000+08:00

haha.. just thought i'd do this one more time. this one is really random conversations with many different people, not like the last one which was just me and one person.

she scold me she will be in good mood liaos.

i walk into gp today and find out i'm apparently running for council.

so should i run beside you?

i think i'm going canoeing this sat.

i sense interesting story.

ta-da, un-glam version of story.

me, julian, daniel, vickie, chong hui, christopher, etcetc

i'm always the only girl.. haha..

chey, i thought you see me so happy.

i INSIST that you are happy.

'fine. i shall get you a pink boxer with spongebob.'

i saw spongebob.

doesn't work that well dear.

finallyy you are onlineeeeee.

love u

mrrrrr. :3

so basically.. i woke up early for nothing..

hey, nat ah..

cheer up bah!

that got GAMES after band and encourage them to join.

you haven't showed me your cosplay photos yet.

cloud's sword is huge

WTF

i was like OMGWTFBBQ

really let's drag alot alot of people to go sing wif us

i'm 17 ,,v, (^^,)

nii chan orders you to take care of nee chan!

cos he say either barret or wakka, then wakka drefan take liao

hes too bishie

you wanna see the size of the sweater i've got on?

hi tatsuki chan

treat me like i never existed

that's not helping.

did you really expect me to agree to ignore you based on "no particular reason"?

if you don't want anyone to talk to you, you're the one who'd gonna have to ignore me.

you'll always have me.

you know i'll always be here.

you, before me.

because i care about you, damnit.

i won't do it.

i didn't even know she was gone =x

2006-09-18T21:20:00.001+08:00

haha.. it sounds like working with drefan has been my dream? because after i watched him make shunsui's shikais and saw his shunsui cosplay at eoy05, he's pretty much been my idol.. hehee!

man.. so cool! can work with him for final fantasy(he's doing wakka), fushigi yuugi(mitsukake) and soul calibur(mitsurugi).. wahahahaha! like dream come true? XD

i kinda don't wanna push my quistis back to eoy 07 because then i'd miss out on a photo op with drefan's wakka! =x but kuroichou.. and double cosplays are like hell..

there wouldn't be a problem, of course, if cosfest were two days long.. haha! wishful thinking?

aieeeee... go sort out your feelings and thoughts la nat! =x

2006-09-18T17:55:00.000+08:00

nah. ya can always rant at me la. ^^

as a friend, i don't want to see you sad.

you should say.. "nyaaaa"

...... >_<

nyaaaaaaaaaaa~~ >_<

'yes, really.'

up and down also not normal..

i shall sleep later and all will be fine.

haha.. i've never liked the abbreviation for 'welcome back'.

i am not trying to scare you lar...

back to vincent.

at that point in time i could have run and jumped around if i wanted to =x

had half a mind to go up to him and yell.

just shoot him until siao.

but she only comes into the picture later in the story.

(god he grew up THAT fast?!)

three?

someone who was really special to me for a while.

what happened between us is rather complicated.

hey nat you there?

hi nat.

morning nat.

WHO AM I?

that one come with super dua pai flash lor.

he's too nice to her.

i think i wasn't paying attention..

daylight robbery, i tell you.

OMG i rule.

morning.

topic of the day.

paiseh. capslock.

actually you are also.

so i went, "t-r-e-e-c-o-m..?"

yo nat.

all in the name of beauty.

girls look better with specs.

miracles do happen?

what about your classmates?

maybe they are used to typical guys.

i bite everyone and everything!

actually i feel she is.

what she thinks.. isn't my problem.

playboy or bastards.

did i say something wrong..?

she will never know if you choose never to tell her..

yeah, okay, yes daddy. ^^

if you wish to think about yourself that way.. i also got nothing to say..

i don't like the way you say it.

i will tell you to stand down.

will you listen?

but i can't find it in myself to decorate it in flowery language right now.

pretend i'm blind, mute and deaf?

thanks for bringing my religion into this.

you were angry? O_O i didn't know.

FUCK LAR

please don't poison them as revenge.

it's okay.

never mind la, it's okay, really.

i miss her.

let nature take its course(haha stupid phrase.)

what would be the point?

she forbids me to lay hands on him though =(

dunno where the other $1 come from.

cannot like that leh..

i got the wrong meaning again ._.

did you like.. speechless?

they will go.. nyuuu to the guy they like.

bucket meal lol!

2006-09-18T14:09:00.000+08:00

y'know, people have asked me if i like him because of the way i keep giving in to him. (wuwu and ee hern will know what this is about..)

honestly, i don't want to think of the implications of such a relationship.

and don't i give in to most other people in the same way? don't i let most other people use and abuse me in the same way?

perhaps i just complain more about a particular person.

but no. no relationship for me. thanks.

argh!

2006-09-17T21:25:00.000+08:00

yes, i AM upset with you. it took you three hours to realise that?

maybe not you per se. but the fact that there are people who think you're inadequate is already enough to make anyone upset. you didn't mean it, perhaps, i know that, but yes, the way you put things just made me feel worse. it's not that i don't appreciate you trying to help out. it's just that i'm fucking exhausted of all the conflicts and everything that's fucking weighing down on me that i just feel terrible, okay?! i feel horrible. i feel like i could just cry on the spot when you said what you did. i felt like melting into the seats of the bus. i felt like just dying and just.. just.. argh!

i'm frustrated, okay? even if i AM upset, i do need time to cool down too! don't you understand that? instead you get so riled up at the thought of others thinking you're a bastard or a fucker or whatever you think people think you are. you get so riled up you end up shouting at me instead.

AND GUESS WHAT?

i let you.

why?

i don't know.

and honestly.. i don't want to know. the way i quarrel with you sounded like the way i used to quarrel with mata. i hate it.. i seriously hate it, okay? i don't want to quarrel with anyone, not in that way.

right now it's just cutting so deep.. i hate the fact that i feel useless, all right? i hate the fact that people find me useless and make me feel as such. i hate the fact that i can't do anything about it when my responsibility is crumbling in my hands and i have to let someone else take over.

yes, i hate feeling useless.

i know you probably didn't mean to upset me, but i got upset. maybe it's my fault, ok? maybe it's my fault. i'm not asking you to apologise or anything.. really.

go ahead.

please.

now please leave me alone for a bit so i can cry.

ai yori aoshi

2006-09-16T17:15:00.000+08:00

was just watching the first ep of ai yori aoshi on youtube just now.. apparently singapore censored the opening which has an image of naked aoi-chan. and i wondered why the same scene in the opening was played twice.. well, now i know.

it's a pretty interesting anime. it's loads of fun, and ep 20(which aired on channel u at 4.30 today) was really touching. =)

gacked many pretty icons from alphie today! so now my icon collection has pretty much doubled, maybe even tripled. went on a gacking spree with her ouran icons. hehee..

okay, i'm off to watch more anime.

tomorrow's the waseda high open house.. hope we'll have fun there tomorrow! =)

things i'll never say.

2006-09-16T11:27:00.000+08:00

I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My checks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

[pre-Chorus]
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

[Chorus]
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
If ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just
Tell you that I care

[pre-Chorus]
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

[Chorus]
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

What's wrong
With my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I start up
I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say

[pre-Chorus]
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

[Chorus]
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

spoiler! =x

2006-09-14T14:20:00.000+08:00

usagi told me:
"Enemy (IceRinger): My Wingtip Bullets have a maximum autofire rate of 108 shots. Let's just take it slow and see how long you last.

Ishida: I see. Then I'll teach you something as well. My bow's maximum autofire rate is...

Ishida: ...1,200 shots."

w00t pwnage! but spoiler nonetheless; however i'm quite up-to-date with the manga right now so i'm not that lost anymore.

anyway, i did mention that i'd blog about yesterday, so here goes.

~The Melancholy of Usagi-san~ - [http://hexlord.multiply.com] says:
maybe even faster knitting technique? XD

ha. ha.
anyway.

met hii-chan at 2pm at white sands comics coonection.. then we took a train down and met wuwu at city fall, after which we went to orchard.

went to artfriends to check out some materials for the stuff that i need to get as part of my orfas, ***** cosplay.. the things are so expensive i'm not sure if i'll have enough cash to buy and make in time for photoshoot and eoy. i just hope can make it.. haha.

no problem one! i can do it! X3

discussed alternative materials.. decided to get my stuff elsewhere? yup.. so we went to taka basement because i wanted to get sushi.. mm.. haha!

then OMG. all the mooncake displays~! three of us went wandering around and tasting like crazy~!! XD i liked the
-strawberry chocolate
-red wine
-durian
mooncakes~!! all snowskin de.. haha! we all "tasted" and "sampled" till we were, uh, full.. lol! but they were so, so nice~~

party, anyone?

anyway.. after that we walked to cine, then went up to this stall on the second floor selling bleach/naruto merchandise.. nope, not rapidculture, just a random stall there..

i didn't know that:
-urahara(bleach) wears a black tee, jeans, specs and is the captain of the 8th division, and his cap has a price tag on the back.
-sakura(naruto) wears jeans and has black hair.

oh my goodness!

we saw stuff there too.. haha.. i think abit cannot make it, but anyway. luckily we had pictures for reference or we might have missed them altogether.

well anyway.. after that we walked to plaza sing, where we bought a small cake for mama's birthday XD then we headed to chinatown to wait for mama and nichol..

dinner was a crazy affair.. filled with jokes about herbal pads, oreos, etc etc. XD i don't remember when was the last time i laughed this hard, we were all laughing till we had tears.. especially poor nichol.. haha! she has been pwnd by our lame jokes! haha..

well.. it was really really fun. hii-chan's got the pictures, and she just sent them to me.

i miss kuroichou..

okay. i was supposed to go to the tailor today.. but i didn't because i'm feeling alone and bored and yeah just plain lazy. so here i am.

i'm going with fongfong tomorrow though. so that's okay. =)

EOY AND KUROICHOU PHOTOSHOOT HERE I COME!

i just hope that the tailor understands what i want from my ***** costume.. hahahahah!!

sigh.

2006-09-14T10:14:00.001+08:00

i tried to talk to him, was it yesterday or a few days ago? anyway, two years and nine months.. and all it has come down to is one word answers.. after less than five words the conversation just.. died.

i know that it was like that before, but the fact that he probably doesn't care any more really hurts me.. i try to talk to him, but he's not interested. sometimes all i really want is for him to talk to me again.. i just realied(again) how much it really hurts.

i don't really understand why things turned out the way they did, but this is the situation now. he won't talk to me, much less look at me again..

sigh. i should have taken that chance when he offered it to me.. now i'll never know.. because he'll never look at me again.. he probably can't get over me not choosing him ba.. but back then it was complicated.. it was tough for me too.. it wasn't that i didn't want to.. i really really wanted to. i still want to. i want to find out how it's like, you know.. but i guess i missed my chance le..

i can only hope that things will "repeat" again and that you'll start talking to me..

but i guess.. seeing the way things are now, worse than they were last year or the year before.. i guess that's not a very big possibility? =(

ah~!!! nat shall stop emo-ing~!! haha..

oh well.

i'll always remember.. the me beneath the facade.

wouldn't it be nice?

2006-09-13T22:30:00.000+08:00

well.. it's been a while, yes?

currently in the middle of my prelim exams, it's a real pain.. my papers haven't been going well for me. banking on my eigenvectors but i failed to complete the TWO questions on the topic.. sheesh.. like that how to pass..

haha.. guess i've kinda been busy with my lj ba.. making one-person-posts and stuff like that.. sometimes i guess i need someone to talk to, but i can't really tell them face to face.. so yeah.. yogi's been really nice.. i miss him and marcus.

friends forever, just like we promised. =)

it's kinda hard, i guess. i mean.. it's not often i go crazy over some guy. it's only happened three times in my life when i really went crazy.. haha.. and all three times i got rejected. why leh? i'm not sure either.. haha.. maybe it's just my personality that puts them off ba. then when i try to settle for the people who actually like me.. it doesn't seem to work out. my past three relationships have taught me that much.. but i don't think i'll ever go chase a guy again..

well.. tonight i had dinner with haru, nichol, wuwu and hii-chan.. it was really fun~! i don't think i've ever laughed so hard for a very long time.. well, certainly not recently.

i hope marcus, yogendran and i will have such fond memories. =) i miss you two lots, really.

life is screwed. i'm looking at 3 F's for prelims, and a broken heart.. haha..

but i guess.. things will get better? maybe ba.. =)

hopefully.

well, that's all ba. i suppose i'll blog a little later on~ haha..

me and teh plot bunnies.

2006-09-04T11:57:00.000+08:00

XD

[nat`] - it's like the tough girl and the geek. [lol i'm having fun with my ishida/tatsuki drabbles] says:
i love plot bunnies!
[nat`] - it's like the tough girl and the geek. [lol i'm having fun with my ishida/tatsuki drabbles] says:
haha
[nat`] - it's like the tough girl and the geek. [lol i'm having fun with my ishida/tatsuki drabbles] says:
especially when doing drabbles, cos i can't keep an interest in any one bunny for too long
[nat`] - it's like the tough girl and the geek. [lol i'm having fun with my ishida/tatsuki drabbles] says:
the others get jealous. *nods*

song by avril

2006-08-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real
Didn't you feel me lock my arms around you
Why'd you turn away?
Here's what I have to say
I was left to cry there,
waiting outside there
grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared
I was so alone
You, you need to listen
I'm starting to trip,
I'm losing my grip and
I'm in this thing alone

Am I just some chick you place
beside you to take somebody's place
when you turn around
can you recognize my face
you used to love me
you used to hug me
But that wasn't the case
Everything wasn't ok
I was left to cry there
waiting outside there
grinning with a lost stare
That's when I decided

[chorus]
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Crying out loud I'm crying out loud
Open your eyes
Open up wide
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care
Cuz you weren't there
when I was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care
then I don't care
we're not going anywhere
Why should I care
cuz you weren't there
when I was scared
I was so alone
Why should I care
If you don't care then
I don't care
we're not going anywhere

i think these are the right lyrics, anyway. i think my brother kidnapped my avril cd.

physics test

2006-08-17T14:00:00.000+08:00

well, so much for physics test. XD

thank you, for all the words you never said, for all the times you never bothered, for all the times you never cared, for all the times i just needed someone to talk to and you weren't there, thank you.

photos galore.

2006-08-16T08:51:00.000+08:00

my tagboard's up, so happy tagging, people!

i miss kuroichou lots lots lots. i wish i could go this friday.. sigh. but higher authority demands i stay home, so.

so far i've only seen two photogs with pictures of me as arisawa tatsuki.. but that's a good thing, no one will be subjected to my ugly thighs and well, my shoes look like they're about to die on me. =x oh well.

okay anyway, i did mention once(in my lj) that i'll put pictures of the photoshoot in july up when i got them. well, i only got pictures of me from ash, so here are just some of them.

not many pics to post, really.. there are more on jodie's cam and i'm waiting for her to send them to me or something. XD

so yeah. there you have it. =x

the whole photo-resizing thing on photobucket is really starting to get on my nerves.

i'm hungry and have no money to eat! =( and i'm here finishing up the pictures. yay.

some pictures of wcg + daph's birthday celebration after that.. taken by thomas.

mild yuri.. XD

us bugging gin mama for.. uh.. something or other..

adrian doing, uh, something.. lol.

(adrian and lacus tan were the stars of the night, i have a ichigoXichinose fic to prove it =x haha..)

it was really fun and i really can't wait to see kuroichou again.. love! ^___^

coscon update

2006-08-15T10:04:00.000+08:00

basically, there comes a time when it gets super sad to know that there's nowhere else you can browse "cosplay photos and clips" ~~in peace~~ other than the school library, with a multitude of people staring over your shoulder and walking past going, "cosplay leh."

i get the feel of the whole "bleach leh" thing. XD

okay, on to the update on coscon!

woke up damn early, at about 6.30 to get ready to leave for toa payoh where i was meeting jodie and marik at 8.30. i ended up reaching at about 9 and met them at mac. we went to wuwu's house at about 9.30, where my darling girl was all decked in orihime apparel. XD the wig damn nice lah.. XD

did make-up, everything. i was most worried about my hair i guess but wuwu's hair spray took care of that.. O_o power sia the hair spray.. X3

(i hate it when people hotlink their pictures because it's like hell to load on a school computer)

took a cab down to suntec(not too hard to get a cab this time, two girls in short skirts, who wouldn't stop? XD) then met the rest at the convenction hall.

it was kinda a whirl from there. wuwu, marik, tama-chan and jacen took part in the cosplay competition.. (why was i the only one cheering for them? where's the kuroichou love?! o_O) even though they didn't win they're always the best in my heart! XD

saw spike, alex, and a few other familiar photogs(moo~!! XD). was pushed on stage when wuwu went up for the second time for the cosplay competition? yuki and jodie were like, "she's calling you, she's calling you!!" and i ended up going up there to give her.. ah quey. /swt haha..

took some.. mildly yuri shots with wuwu after that..

after everything, i meet up with yee kiat and walked to marina square with him to go buy yuki's birthday present - a big doggie! haha.. went back, changed, then sat and talked to gin mama for a bit. when yuki returned(i'm surprised she didn't notice the dog!) we sang her a happy birthday song and presented her with the dog..

i'm glad she likes it. XD

then the gang went to marina bay for steamboat dinner! adrian, lacus tan, ariki, fongfong, tama-chan, gin mama, yuki, moomoo, david, kazu, thomas, jodie, hii-chan and one of yuki's friends, 16 in total! it was super fun.. hii-chan, wuwu and i went off for a bit to talk.. moomoo saved some food for me.. haha thanks. XD we could see the fireworks from where we were.. it was so cool and fun.

YAOI HAPPENED.

went home with thomas, yuki, hii-chan and charmaine(who we met later with yoshi).

i'm still pretty tired(and it being tuesday) so i'll go off to the band room to sleep in a bit. if it's open, that is. haix.

tata.

because.

2006-08-15T09:32:00.000+08:00

because my school is being a bitch and not allowing access to livejournal, i present to thee my new blog, with my old template.

on the bright side, sgcafe is accessable again! yay! no more stupid moe thingy.. whatever. so i've been spending my morning(other than working on this template) browsing through pictures of coscon on sgcafe, and so far only spikey has my pic. XD yay~ i definitely look better than at cosfest, so yeah.

yah i still got a lot of things i wanna ~~bitch~~blog about. about coscon and yuki's birthday celebration.

-_-;

shall update my links and put up a tagboard when i have time.

i'm still linking all my old photo albums though! wish i had brought my card reader so i can upload the rest of the pictures that i have on my camera from the recent kuroichou outings and coscon.. =)

group shots! i love kuroichou. =D

so enjoy. i shall update when i have more time. /swt